How to Waste your Summer Internship without getting Fired

Warning: sarcasm in use

Make no attempt to learn from mentors or experts. Learning is over-rated, and everything you need to know is in a book somewhere, anyway.

Arrive as late as possible every single day, without violating policy. This way you have less face-to-face time with your co-workers.

Go to all meetings you are invited to, arrive late, do not prepare, and avoid participation as much as possible.

Never ask any questions. Admitting you don’t know what a term or acronym means is unacceptable. Try to figure it out on your own or make up your own meaning. If that fails, just give up.

Don’t bother taking any notes at any point of time. Note taking is a sign of weakness.

When you get stuck on something, remain stuck for at least a week before asking for help. Asking for help is also a sign of weakness.

Never attempt to understand “the why” of your project. Just follow instructions verbatim, with as little creativity as possible.

Always have social media, YouTube, or CandyCrush open on your computer’s screen. This will help the time pass faster. If anyone says something about it, just say you are taking a break.

Avoid all social activities. You’ll never see those people again after your internship. Even if you did connect with them later via the Internet, they will never be helpful to you in any way.

Always eat lunch alone. Bonding time with your smartphone is the best way to spend lunch time.

Avoid helping others as much as possible. What did they do to help you, anyway?

Avoid old-fashioned phrases like “good morning”, “please”, “thank you”.

Avoid old-fashioned gestures like holding open doors.

Don’t bother to remember any co-workers names. You’ll never see them after the internship, anyway.

Reply to emails 3 days after receiving them, never sooner. Your own agenda is much, much more important than any request for help.

Better yet, create an inbox rule to auto-delete all incoming messages. If they contained any information that was actually important, someone will tell you in person, anyway.

Don’t bother to brush your teeth 2-3 days per week. You’re avoiding social situations, remember? Similar for showering and doing laundry, these things are a waste of your time.

Stretch your project out as long as possible. Obviously there are no other projects or problems that need solving.

On the last day of your internship just leave the building as usual without saying anything to anyone you have met. See ya!

Framework for Mentee Goal Setting

Below are some areas to focus on when setting smart goals for team members. This can be discussed in a 1 on 1 meeting, for example.

Productivity

How much do you accomplish now? How do you measure your productivity? How can you increase your value output?

Focus

Do you tend to take on too many projects and make small progress on all of them? How can avoid distractions and focus on fewer projects end to end?

Specialization

What are you really good it? What can you teach others better than anyone else? What skills and knowledge make you irreplaceable? In what new skills/knowledge are you excited about investing more time and energy?

Workability

How easy is it for peers to communicate with you? Do you slow down others or speed them up? Are you two steps ahead or one step behind? Do people come to you to ask questions? How can you make yourself easier to interact and communicate with?